Can I Claim a Raccoon as a Tax Dependent? Asking at 3 AM

Nobody. Absolutely nobody. Me at 3 AM, lit only by phone glow, pupils like a nocturnal gremlin: Googling whether raccoons qualify as tax dependents.

The case: he lives on my property, and I provide his food (indirectly, via the trash can — and trash service isn't free). The IRS has rules about this. Probably.

Now the audit. "Sir, you claimed a raccoon." "A dependent, yes." "Sir, raccoons are wildlife." "He has a name. It's Gerald." "You named the raccoon Gerald." "He responds to it. That's practically documentation." The auditor pinches the bridge of his nose — and any meeting that ends with the auditor pinching his nose is a meeting you dominated.